just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
50% drunk capacity currently
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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