quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
