Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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