You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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