I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
