I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
3 2 1 whiskey
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
