Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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