i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
