the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize