i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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