hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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