I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
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Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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