half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
