Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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