I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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