o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
