I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the room spins SO much faster in panama
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
