I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
