You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Randomize
