oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
