We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
