My liver just broke up with me...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
