I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize