don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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