you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
