69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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