how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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