i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
