I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
