you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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