I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
