I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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