i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
