Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
