The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
