The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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