Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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