Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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