bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
