o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
