he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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