just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
