I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
