toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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