I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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