So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
