I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
