All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
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Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I need to align my fucking chakras
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