she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
