so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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