Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
