I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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