His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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