My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
