PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We talked him into tasing himself.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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