He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
