He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
